All of my life, I dreamed of being a mother. I played with dolls well past the age I should have, I never aspired to be anything more than a wife/mother. That is what I dreamed of, that is what I wanted. God didn’t bring my husband into my life until I was 28, so by the time we got married we were ready to start a family. Finally…my dream was coming true.
For those of you who know me, and know my story, you know that the dream became a nightmare when our first baby, Madison Elisabeth, died at 37 weeks. She was stillborn. On my first Mother’s Day I should have been holding a 9 month old and having her dedicated in our church service. Instead, I sat there in tears, newly pregnant with my SECOND baby, my heart aching for the little girl that was not with me. Mother’s Day was ruined for me. It has since been a day that is extremely difficult for me. Please no “get over it” comments…you’d have to go through this to understand the emotions behind it. Yes! God graciously gave me two more beautiful babies to raise, and I am IMMENSELY grateful to Him for that. There is always a baby dedication at our church on Mother’s Day, and it just causes deep pain to course through my heart…not that I’m not excited for the families involved. I am.
On Facebook right now, there is a post circulating for Mother’s Day. It says to post a favorite picture of your mom, or you with your mom, or you with your child. The picture I picked is just minutes after Madison was born. My mom was the first one into the room, and the first one to meet our baby girl. She came right to me, and kissed Madison’s head, and Andy snapped a picture. It is one of my favorites.
This Mother’s Day weekend will be particularly hard for us, and I’m asking for your prayers. I walked into our home school co-op last week, and a friend told me that a friend of hers had delivered a stillborn baby girl at 32 weeks, that morning. She asked for some suggestions as to how her church body could help this lady. I gave her a few suggestions off of the top of my head, and told her I was available if this girl wanted/needed to contact me. I didn’t really think she’d take me up on it, but she did.
I’m not sure how God is going to work in this situation. I’ve never reached out to someone in a situation like this, except online. It’s a whole different ballgame when you’re in person. Online, a person can’t see my emotions, and I can remain somewhat guarded. Not in person…and I think that’s a good thing. I believe GOD Himself has given me this opportunity, and I’m praying for grace and strength to step up any way He would have me to.
Andy and I will be going to the baby’s memorial service tomorrow evening. We have not been to another funeral for a child, let alone a baby, since Madison’s death. This will be hard…made even harder by the fact that this darling little girl was also named Madison. What are the chances of that? Totally looks like a God thing, right? I know… I will sit in a service with a tiny coffin once again, my daughter’s name spoken several times, and watch the faces of people grieving in the same way I have. How my heart aches for them.
I would appreciate your prayers that God would allow me to stay strong, and to be a help any way I can tomorrow, and in the future as Donna needs me. She may not…but I want to be available in case she does. I didn’t really have anyone do that for me the whole first year after Madison’s death…it was deeply painful. I withdrew from the world, and didn’t allow anyone to reach out to me. I don’t want someone else to go through that…
I will let you know how things go, and covet your prayers for the Blue family. Pray for ALL of the mothers you know who have lost little ones. Sometimes Mother’s Day is more painful than the child’s birthday/death day…I know it is for me. Reach out to a mom you know has suffered a loss…even if it was years ago. The hurt never goes away….they still want to be remembered and encouraged. If one person came up to me on Mother’s Day and told me they were remembering me and MADISON, I’d cry…but not out of pain. I’d be THRILLED that someone remembered her, as she is all but forgotten outside my little family of four.
I wish all of you moms out there a HAPPY Mother’s Day. Hold onto those littles that God has blessed you with. LOVE on them, and thank God for them. Thank Him that He allowed you to raise them, and they are there with you. If you have suffered a loss, I FEEL your pain, and I’m right there with you. I will pray for you this weekend….whether you lost the one that made you a mother like I did, or you lost one that you mothered until God took him/her home. My heart aches for your loss, and I will remember you. I have several names in my mind already…
Grace to all of you this day…HAPPY Mother’s Day!