On The Eve Of Your 17th Birthday…

Dear Madison,

I am sitting here in our family room looking at pictures from your baby book.  I can’t believe it has been 17 years since that horrible week in our lives.  I changed my cover/profile pictures to pictures of you, and I have been visiting the Facebook page I made for you…a place I can come and it feels like I’m talking to you.  I love when Daddy comments there, or Aunt Cathy, and your name shows up in my home page. It’s a sacred place just for us…


Every August is difficult for us, but for some reason this one has been particularly hard for your Momma.  BIG milestones missed this year.  Next week I should be starting you off on your senior year of high school.  There should be plans for senior pictures, plans for graduation in the spring, and a big bash to celebrate your accomplishments. But once again we are missing out on these wonderful milestones.  It breaks my heart.

God has mercifully allowed the sting of grief to lighten in our hearts, but the pain and the void you have left in our lives is still there.  You are never far from my thoughts.  I love and thank God for your siblings, but they were not “replacements” for you.  I would have loved to have all three of you…

My precious girl, I hope you know how much I love you, and how grateful I am for the fleeting moments I had with you.  They seem so little compared to how long you have been gone. I miss you tremendously.

One of my most treasured pictures of my time with you was taken just a few minutes after you were born.  I wanted my mom, Madison.  When something hurts, there is nothing like your momma coming to help you.  The nurses brought Gammy in, and we had a few minutes together just the three of us.  It is precious to me…

One of the things that brings me comfort is that when you suffered, when you struggled those last minutes of your life, and when the pain was probably more than you could handle, Mommy was there.  I was there from the moment your little heart started beating to the moment it stopped.  Mommy held you. I thank God for that gift.

My beautiful sweet girl, I wish you the happiest of birthdays…how could it not be happy in heaven? I continue to entrust you to those most precious arms that hold you until the day I take my last breath and am instantly reunited with you. You have a place in our hearts that will never be filled with anything else.

Tomorrow as we celebrate your life as a family, we will think of you, talk about you, look at pictures of you, and reflect on God’s goodness to us in allowing you to touch our lives.  I will make my 17th trek to your hospital to pray for the moms that are delivering that night…one of my most precious times for you and me. At 10:15pm my prayer will end in gratitude as it always does…so very thankful that I am your mommy, and that you are my beautiful daughter.

Goodnight my sweet sweet Lovie, I’ll see you in the morning!

Love, Mom