15 Years…

On this day 15 years ago, Andy and I rode in a limousine for the first time.  The limousine carried us to the cemetery, with our little daughter in a tiny casket between us on the seat…

Madison would have been 15 years old on August 26.  I can hardly believe that, as some days I can remember the events of that day so vividly it feels like yesterday to me. 

We had a pretty tough week last week for a lot of reasons.  I won’t go into all that…I didn’t feel much like posting last week, so this will be it.  I have come to the conclusion that people don’t understand grief, and especially grief over the loss of a child, unless they have walked that journey.  It is excruciating sometimes.  Even 15 years later.  I wrote quite a bit on my Facebook statuses last week, just because I feel like I’m fighting to keep her memory alive. God put us on the hearts of many friends/sisters in Christ last week, and they were a great encouragement to me.  Someone remembered…

I’m writing a book…I don’t mean this post is long…I’m really writing a book.  I have waited for the right time to tell Madison’s story and the horrific years that followed, and I believe that is now.  I have had SEVERAL people encourage me lately to do it, and I’m going to go for it! One friend has some publishing contacts for me, and my dear Ellen has offered to read it/edit it for me as she walked through much of the journey with me.  I feel very strongly that GOD wants me to write this story, for the women out there who like me “didn’t do it right”. I have read so many stories of women who have lost children that grieved in a very God-glorifying way.  Though the books are a great encouragement to me, sometimes it can be discouraging, because I didn’t grieve that way.  I went down a VERY dark road on my grief journey, letting it consume me in a horrible way.  I know there are other ladies out there who have done the same thing (I have spoken to a few), and those are the ladies this book will be for.  I want to show the power of Christ to redeem a life, turn it around, and make all that was awful turn out for that person’s good, and the glory of God. I paid a high price for that sinful time in my life, and still continue to with broken relationships, and struggles in my home because of the level I sunk to.  But Joel 2:25 says, “I will restore to you the years the swarming locusts have eaten”, and we have been seeing God mercifully do that in our lives for the past 6 years.  It has been amazing to watch.  THANK GOD I am not that momma anymore.  I accepted Madison’s death as the sovereign will of God in my life, and I do not try to hold onto her anymore. 

It occurred to me last week on one particularly hard day, that though it seems each year I get farther and farther away from her, I’m actually one year closer to her…that is a comforting thought.  One day my sweet girl and I will be reunited, and there will be no more tears, or deep heart ache.  We will be in the presence of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, TOGETHER…totally gives me shivers to even think of!

Writing will take some time, and so will home schooling, and all of my responsibilities at church that increase in the fall.  My blog will have to take a back seat for a bit…but I promise I’ll keep you as updated on our lives as I can, what fun things we’re studying, new recipes we’re trying, and also how the book is coming.  I would greatly appreciate your prayers.  It will be painful to “relive” that time in my life…

Have a great fall, and a great school year my friends!

*** Just want to clarify that I would pray that this book would speak to ANYONE grieving ANY kind of loss…I just mentioned writing it for women who have lost children, because that is the kind of loss I suffered. ***